Guilt

Confronting Guilt

"In My Family We Care For Our Own"

Confronting Guilt Over Placing Relatives In Nursing Homes

Many cultures have a deep respect for elders, and a tradition of caring for family members as they age within an extended family home.

Many families give enormously to elderly parents and other relatives, which at times requires making great personal sacrifices as well as putting off the needs of other family members.

Yet even when there is respect, a tradition of home caring, and many years of actual sacrifice taking care of an elder's needs, families sometimes face the necessity of placing a parent or other elderly relative in a nursing home.

Sometimes the elderly person needs so much skilled nursing and access to medical equipment, that families are unable to provide that level of care in a home. A tradition of "In my family we care for our own" developed before modern medical advances enabled very sick elderly to live much longer lives.

Sometimes the money runs out. A family's ability to care for an elderly relative may only be possible when they have the resources to pay for it. Nursing care and personal care are very expensive. If the family's resources are gone and Medicaid won't pay for the in home care needed, the family has no choice if they want an elderly relative to continue to be safe and get medical treatment.

Sometimes the care giver develops a serious health problem, or another family need- perhaps that of her child- prevents her from continuing to provide care, despite a very strong desire to do so. No one can work 24 hours a day, no matter how much they want to care and provide for everyone.

When families must place someone they love in a nursing home, they often feel guilty for not abiding by the tradition, failure because they could not continue to provide care and fear that others in their family and community will be critical without understanding the circumstances.

Many of those criticizing them many not even understand that nursing homes take only very sick people with substantial health care needs. A family that merely wanted to "dump" a relative because it was too much trouble, wouldn't get very far. Nursing homes need documentation by a doctor and trained nursing agency before they can admit someone.

Those who criticize a family for placing a relative in a nursing home may also not realize that part of the history of limited nursing home placement among Latino, Asian and African American communities in the past, stems from discrimination. Nursing homes in general were less accessible to these communities, and the facilities that were available offered a low quality of care.

Personally taking care of an elderly relative requires dedication, sacrifice and hard work. It takes courage, no matter what the reason, for a family to admit they can no longer keep an elder safe and well-cared for at home and to explore and arrange a nursing home placement. It is important not to let unfounded guilt pressure you away from getting the best care for your loved one.

Sometimes if the family, personal and community pressure is very strong, a caregiver will wait too long before exploring placement. This may put their relative in very real danger, despite the family's good intentions. Hesitating to explore the resources available ahead of time, can mean fewer options when under stress or facing an emergency; they must rush a process that takes a lot of time and thought.

FRIA can help families understand how to determine when nursing home placement is necessary, and how to connect with community resources for additional home caregiving support when placement is not necessary. We can help families make an informed, good choice for their relative. We will try also to help families respond to ill -informed criticism.

We encourage families to become good care monitors and advocates for their relatives in nursing homes, and give them the information and skills they need to do it. The role of caring for a family member doesn't end at the nursing home door. There are many ways to stay involved once a relative enters a nursing home. The family may even have more time and energy to provide love and support when they are not overwhelmed with providing daily health care.

Families of nursing home residents can be as loving and devoted as those who care for relatives at home. Many families at nursing homes have joined together in family councils, supporting each other and working to ensure better care for all residents in the home. FRIA would like to help you do this.

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