"In
My Family We Care For Our Own"
Confronting Guilt Over Placing Relatives In Nursing Homes
Many
cultures have a deep respect for elders, and a tradition of caring
for family members as they age within an extended family home.
Many families give enormously to elderly parents and other relatives,
which at times requires making great personal sacrifices as well
as putting off the needs of other family members.
Yet even when there is respect, a tradition of home caring, and
many years of actual sacrifice taking care of an elder's needs,
families sometimes face the necessity of placing a parent or other
elderly relative in a nursing home.
Sometimes the elderly person needs so much skilled nursing and access
to medical equipment, that families are unable to provide that level
of care in a home. A tradition of "In my family we care for our
own" developed before modern medical advances enabled very sick
elderly to live much longer lives.
Sometimes the money runs out. A family's ability to care for an
elderly relative may only be possible when they have the resources
to pay for it. Nursing care and personal care are very expensive. If
the family's resources are gone and Medicaid won't pay for the in
home care needed, the family has no choice if they want an elderly
relative to continue to be safe and get medical treatment.
Sometimes the care giver develops a serious health problem, or another
family need- perhaps that of her child- prevents her from continuing
to provide care, despite a very strong desire to do so. No one can
work 24 hours a day, no matter how much they want to care and provide
for everyone.
When families must place someone they love in a nursing home, they
often feel guilty for not abiding by the tradition, failure because
they could not continue to provide care and fear that others in
their family and community will be critical without understanding
the circumstances.
Many of those criticizing them many not even understand that nursing
homes take only very sick people with substantial health care needs. A
family that merely wanted to "dump" a relative because it was too
much trouble, wouldn't get very far. Nursing homes need documentation
by a doctor and trained nursing agency before they can admit someone.
Those who criticize a family for placing a relative in a nursing
home may also not realize that part of the history of limited nursing
home placement among Latino, Asian and African American communities
in the past, stems from discrimination. Nursing homes in general
were less accessible to these communities, and the facilities that
were available offered a low quality of care.
Personally taking care of an elderly relative requires dedication,
sacrifice and hard work. It takes courage, no matter what the reason,
for a family to admit they can no longer keep an elder safe and
well-cared for at home and to explore and arrange a nursing home
placement. It is important not to let unfounded guilt pressure you
away from getting the best care for your loved one.
Sometimes if the family, personal and community pressure is very
strong, a caregiver will wait too long before exploring placement. This
may put their relative in very real danger, despite the family's
good intentions. Hesitating to explore the resources available ahead
of time, can mean fewer options when under stress or facing an emergency;
they must rush a process that takes a lot of time and thought.
FRIA can help families understand how to determine when nursing
home placement is necessary, and how to connect with community resources
for additional home caregiving support when placement is not necessary. We
can help families make an informed, good choice for their relative.
We will try also to help families respond to ill -informed criticism.
We encourage families to become good care monitors and advocates
for their relatives in nursing homes, and give them the information
and skills they need to do it. The role of caring for a family
member doesn't end at the nursing home door. There are many ways
to stay involved once a relative enters a nursing home. The family
may even have more time and energy to provide love and support when
they are not overwhelmed with providing daily health care.
Families
of nursing home residents can be as loving and devoted as those
who care for relatives at home. Many families at nursing homes have
joined together in family councils, supporting each other and working
to ensure better care for all residents in the home. FRIA would
like to help you do this.
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